Dating an Artist as an Artist is an Art

Growing up poor, I value security. There are very few things I want more in my life. It was instilled in me at a young age that I must always be in a position that insured financial stability. Sometimes this made me really creative and smart in my career and investments, other times it hindered me. In my early twenties I was in a serious relationship with a man who provided financially, intellectually and emotionally.  Our super power was being able to sustain acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gift-giving for a majority of our relationship but it was co-dependent and isolating. Eventually we came to a dead end because I became aware of the issue that he was not financially responsible and that our relationship was no longer built on trust or security. This scared me. I had sacrificed so much for a goal we had both agreed upon only to find out that he not only fell short on his end but he had no intention of fulfilling his promise while I was stuck in corporate America with a boss who turned out to be. very. sleazy. I was resentful at the fact that I blindly trusted people who never really had my back. I left both the relationship and career to find greener pastures.

My new endeavor was pursuing an acting career and at the start of the jump I hit quite a few internal boulders. For someone who generally made practical and sensible choices, the leap for this big dream meant I needed to reform who I was and what my motivations were as a person. The dichotomy within me was at war and anyone who witnessed the beginning of it was a casualty. Myself included. I took flight despite the difficulty (Hi, masochist artist me!).

It was turbulent to say the least.  However, I was at a place where I knew I could no longer pursue something solely for monetary gain. I knew I was passionate about art. I knew I needed to find out who I was and how to unconditionally love her. I knew I needed to find my balance between autonomy and coexistence. It was so painful and it was worth it. No one comes out unscathed with self-growth. NO ONE! 

However, I never really could get rid of the desire for financial security and trust in a romantic relationship.

I tried dating the self made, affluent man. He is usually overwhelmed and has little time. Often over stressed and self-absorbed. Sometimes found outlets through self-mutilation, self-hatred or drugs. There were expensive gifts, luxurious trips, sometimes a promise of a golden future. However, I didn't connect with any of the ones I dated the way I wanted to. There were ones where I couldn't trust their character. One example I remember-  while in the first class line at the airport. He pointed at the line of people waiting beside us in economy and said "look at those peasants." It infuriated me and broke my heart. I gave my best defense and never sat in first class again.

So I end up falling in love with the sensitive, struggling artist. He is usually romantic, attentive and in touch with his feelings. He has room for someone like me in his schedule and his world view is creative and always interesting. He is unpredictable and I am left with the debilitating fear of never having a comfortable future that includes having children, a house or that magical wedding I've dreamed of since I was a little girl.

I don't know how to reconcile the two needs. Not unless I quit acting.

Is it always going to be a choice we must make? Ah, questions!

Still looking for an answer. 

Big picture

If I experience heartache from someone's quest to true love, I could tell a story as a casualty or a victor in something wonderful.  Smiling for someone's joy in the wake of my pain might be foolish to desire but I strive to have that kind of warmth in my heart.

Sometimes I meet people and I love them at the wrong time or I am loved when I'm not ready. Maybe I love something about a person I want for myself, which I'm not sure is love at all. Maybe some have loved me for the same reason. Sometimes I give my love away too easily because I forgot how to love myself, or I am hardened and guarded because I am burned-out. Love can be awfully messy, and deliciously clarifying. I am understanding a particular balance that I have yet to obtain.

Sometimes I fear that my colors are muted because of past relationships.  I am afraid to love deeply however I am also afraid I never will again. It is a strange thing when leaning in is the only way to fully live yet all I see is a giant fall with no guarantees that my wings are ready. Most calculated risks when it comes to sharing my heart, have come with unforeseen consequences. I know nothing. I question the love I have fantasized about; it's existence mainly and my part in it, if it does. I feel pure unconditional love from my family, myself and GOD. That should be more than enough, right?

Is it too much to also want the sweeping romance? I hope not and I hope that if I come across it, I'm not too afraid to take a dive.



Maybe, for a moment I miss your smart fashion.

The carefully constructed pieces of art, you'd proudly wear. 

The way you'd pay attention to the smallest details.

In every way, you'd pay attention. 

How you got me to improve myself by being you. 

The way you'd care about me. 

Using every sense of good and wonderful about you to pour into me.

Taking away the idea of fairness, and carefully constructing a garden in me.

The insanity of you loving us more than you loving you.

I remember the songs we'd write each other and the places we'd go.

Maybe, for a moment I think about the way we would exist in perfection.

Losing us, then leaving you finally hit me. 

Like a ton of bricks.

I was numb and then set on fire.

"I left perfection. As perfect could be."

"The whole is greater than the sum of its parts."

I thought.

And seeing the world without you wasn't the same. 

Living my beautiful life was not the same.

But there was a tiny whisper in my soul.

I needed to go be who I needed to be.

I needed to do it without you.

I've let you down too many ways to ever fix.

We can't bring back what we had when we had our best.

You turned away to build your kingdom.

You were willing to do and say anything to keep us.

I watched you lay your gold bricks perfectly.

A pavement projecting too many promises.

I found myself stumbling.

You were half. I was half. We were stuck. 

The cracks to all your deception.

I fell farther than you could reach.

I was falling in love with people who possessed greatness I wanted for myself.

Greatness I felt I needed someone to instill into me.

Because that is what you used to do for me.

Being afraid of losing you meant losing me.

You were mine for so long, I took you for granted. 

I should've been better, I can be better.

But better won't be for you, better is for me.

You always said I'd rise from the ashes and you always knew I'd be stronger.

You called me a "Phoenix on fire".

Perhaps, I am.

You will have better too and not from me.

You will have better too. Hopefully, from you.

Most likely through her. Because that is who you are.

I am whole now. I wonder, are you?

Have you found a way to believe that you can be all that you are without a half? 

My soul dances with the fire that used to burn.

I hope you can feel as free as I do, I hope you experience the joy I do.

Maybe, we can have moments where we remember our favorite parts we never told each other and be happy to have had such perfection.

Because we know we lost that love long before we lost each other.


I've wished you well a million times in my mind. Maybe it's true that my passions threw me across the universe and I'll never get back to us in this lifetime. I look up and recognize the same stars I used to relish in your eyes. They led me through so many of my dark nights. There are days I struggle to understand why I feel so small when you had me believing I was tremendous. We found a rare and exceptional love. I knew that then, I know it better now. Like I said, the stars I used to romanticize in your eyes, they light my entire world at night.

Back then, it was like I spent so much time running away in my mind, one day my legs followed suit. It was only when I had you with me in my pursuit, that I was able to embrace us for all that we were. Our blessing was the flaw; you ran with me. You ran WITH me! I never needed to stop but I didn't know I would have to someday. 

The day I found fulfillment in a place you couldn't visit, I lost grip of our empire. I fell hard and far from you. That was the moment, everything stood still. I couldn't breath. I woke up for the first time, in a long time. Life had broken my heart long ago and I had gone to sleep so that I could dream of something better. As you can imagine, rising was fucking overwhelming.  It's not that I didn't love you, it was that I was having a hard time loving myself. But you knew that, everyone did. 

I was locked in on an addiction to ease the growing pain and I couldn't help myself anymore. You, being the positive force that you were, couldn't help me anymore. I kept trying to throw pieces together and nothing seemed to truly fit. I kept feeling like I was three steps behind. Fighting to catch up while searching to be thankful to those who had given up on me. It's easier to love ghosts, sometimes. Thank you for loving a broken person. I've written you hundreds of words you'll never read, words you'll never need. But these ones, I hope you do.


You see, I was trying to recover from a heartbreak much bigger than what you and I had lost. 

I have. 

Now I can truly say, with complete presence, I'm sorry. You deserve better, too.  


Goodbye for now. 


Your former 


473 days since Infinity

Standing alone, although empowering is difficult.

Being able to be a whole without being his half can feel like being nothing at all during my weakest moments, and during my strongest, it's the best drug I've ever had.

Being completely honest and open has never felt so scary and liberating all at once.

Accepting that sometimes you can be completely sure… for a long time and then realize you may know nothing at all is painfully beautiful.

Realizing that keeping promises to myself, and regaining self-love sometimes means sacrificing one of the most important relationships in my life has been discouraging, yet clarifying.

Being at a point where I thought I have hit my capacity for compassion, love and self-sacrifice for another being and then pushing way past it is encouraging, yet confusing.

Knowing that I must love myself before loving anyone else is the fairest I could ever be when I enter a partnership.

Wanting people to get it and trying to explain how it has gotten to this point in my head, then trying to put it in words has been exhausting.

No matter what happens from here on out, and no matter how difficult it is to truly expel the reasons why... I choose to just be grateful. I am grateful to have had the kind of best friend you can tell all your secrets to without feeling an ounce of shame or judgement, where slumber parties never get old and traveling to the same place over and over again is still new, the kind of bond where you can look at each other and communicate telepathically, where you can literally manifest the craziest things to life by simply sharing with one another, the kind of support where you always feel safe to break boundaries and stand your ground no matter who disagreed, the kind of love where you can fight like two crazy people and then burst into laughter because it doesn't matter, and joke about really inappropriate things that are super funny but you would never want anyone else to hear (shhh), the kind of memories most people would kill to have, the kind of mutual devotion most people would only hope to gain and etc. and etc., infinity…

Piano Player

He used to be the man, who’d scrape her off the streets,
He’d cool her down when buildings burned due to her heat,
And when times were tough, he would always free her mind,
The addiction grew; she needed more, so he became her only line.