Growing up poor, I value security. There are very few things I want more in my life. It was instilled in me at a young age that I must always be in a position that insured financial stability. Sometimes this made me really creative and smart in my career and investments, other times it hindered me. In my early twenties I was in a serious relationship with a man who provided financially, intellectually and emotionally. Our super power was being able to sustain acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gift-giving for a majority of our relationship but it was co-dependent and isolating. Eventually we came to a dead end because I became aware of the issue that he was not financially responsible and that our relationship was no longer built on trust or security. This scared me. I had sacrificed so much for a goal we had both agreed upon only to find out that he not only fell short on his end but he had no intention of fulfilling his promise while I was stuck in corporate America with a boss who turned out to be. very. sleazy. I was resentful at the fact that I blindly trusted people who never really had my back. I left both the relationship and career to find greener pastures.
My new endeavor was pursuing an acting career and at the start of the jump I hit quite a few internal boulders. For someone who generally made practical and sensible choices, the leap for this big dream meant I needed to reform who I was and what my motivations were as a person. The dichotomy within me was at war and anyone who witnessed the beginning of it was a casualty. Myself included. I took flight despite the difficulty (Hi, masochist artist me!).
It was turbulent to say the least. However, I was at a place where I knew I could no longer pursue something solely for monetary gain. I knew I was passionate about art. I knew I needed to find out who I was and how to unconditionally love her. I knew I needed to find my balance between autonomy and coexistence. It was so painful and it was worth it. No one comes out unscathed with self-growth. NO ONE!
However, I never really could get rid of the desire for financial security and trust in a romantic relationship.
I tried dating the self made, affluent man. He is usually overwhelmed and has little time. Often over stressed and self-absorbed. Sometimes found outlets through self-mutilation, self-hatred or drugs. There were expensive gifts, luxurious trips, sometimes a promise of a golden future. However, I didn't connect with any of the ones I dated the way I wanted to. There were ones where I couldn't trust their character. One example I remember- while in the first class line at the airport. He pointed at the line of people waiting beside us in economy and said "look at those peasants." It infuriated me and broke my heart. I gave my best defense and never sat in first class again.
So I end up falling in love with the sensitive, struggling artist. He is usually romantic, attentive and in touch with his feelings. He has room for someone like me in his schedule and his world view is creative and always interesting. He is unpredictable and I am left with the debilitating fear of never having a comfortable future that includes having children, a house or that magical wedding I've dreamed of since I was a little girl.
I don't know how to reconcile the two needs. Not unless I quit acting.
Is it always going to be a choice we must make? Ah, questions!
Still looking for an answer.