Goodbye

I've wished you well a million times in my mind. Maybe it's true that my passions threw me across the universe and I'll never get back to us in this lifetime. I look up and recognize the same stars I used to relish in your eyes. They led me through so many of my dark nights. There are days I struggle to understand why I feel so small when you had me believing I was tremendous. We found a rare and exceptional love. I knew that then, I know it better now. Like I said, the stars I used to romanticize in your eyes, they light my entire world at night.

Back then, it was like I spent so much time running away in my mind, one day my legs followed suit. It was only when I had you with me in my pursuit, that I was able to embrace us for all that we were. Our blessing was the flaw; you ran with me. You ran WITH me! I never needed to stop but I didn't know I would have to someday. 

The day I found fulfillment in a place you couldn't visit, I lost grip of our empire. I fell hard and far from you. That was the moment, everything stood still. I couldn't breath. I woke up for the first time, in a long time. Life had broken my heart long ago and I had gone to sleep so that I could dream of something better. As you can imagine, rising was fucking overwhelming.  It's not that I didn't love you, it was that I was having a hard time loving myself. But you knew that, everyone did. 

I was locked in on an addiction to ease the growing pain and I couldn't help myself anymore. You, being the positive force that you were, couldn't help me anymore. I kept trying to throw pieces together and nothing seemed to truly fit. I kept feeling like I was three steps behind. Fighting to catch up while searching to be thankful to those who had given up on me. It's easier to love ghosts, sometimes. Thank you for loving a broken person. I've written you hundreds of words you'll never read, words you'll never need. But these ones, I hope you do.

 

You see, I was trying to recover from a heartbreak much bigger than what you and I had lost. 

I have. 

Now I can truly say, with complete presence, I'm sorry. You deserve better, too.  

 

Goodbye for now. 

 

Your former